The INTJ Pregnancy: Trimester 2

I am sitting here on the eve of my change-over to trimester 3, so I figured it was a good time to recap my thought process/learning curve for trimester 2. If you haven’t read my thoughts on the first three months of pregnancy, they might offer up some context or explanation for why I’m not discussing certain issues.

First things first, let’s bust some myths.

Things People Tell You About Trimester 2

1. The “honeymooon phase” of pregnancy – that wonderful story about how you will get an energy surge in the second trimester and just feel GREAT, so healthy and glowing and full of energy and life. THAT STORY IS A FUCKING LIE. Sure, you get an energy boost compared to the first trimester. I got most of my brain back and most of my energy. I’d say probably 80% of both. But not 110%. Not even 100%. Just comparatively more than the 50% I had the first few months.

This means that my day job remains a crushing burden for me, especially with regard to my personal projects (like writing). It means that I wear myself out for two days doing things that I would normally not even notice doing the next day.

I recommend not mentioning that you are tired. The only response from smug already-parents will be to point out how much more tired you will be when you are chronically sleep-deprived as a new parent. These statements piss me off, ESPECIALLY from men. You know what? I haven’t been there yet, so maybe they’re right…but where I *have* been in are situations like, oh, say, my last three semesters of college where I was averaging about 35 hours of studying after my classes and another 20 hours of actual work on top of that and somehow managing to party and see my friends and my boyfriend all the time. I managed this by getting about 6 hours of sleep every night for 18 months. I know what chronic exhaustion feels like, and I know what pushing myself to my physical limit feels like, AND IT IS NOT THE SAME THING AS WHAT BEING PREGNANT HAS DONE TO ME. There is a different kind of exhaustion to just being short of sleep and busy all the time than from not having the energy you should because your body is expending so much of its energy on an automated process you have no control over and cannot stop your body from spending its resources to do.

So all you can do, even once the horrific exhaustion of the first trimester wears off around week 14, is plan to be about 75% of the person you used to be. For me, alas, this has translated to putting day job first, husband and friends and family second, and any other ambition or hobby I have last. I should be using the last child-free months to write like mad. Instead I’m spending them wearing myself out at work physically and mentally and then mentally collapsing (if not physically anymore) the second I get home.

2. Now that you’re past the first trimester you won’t worry so much about something going wrong and can finally start to love your baby! Wrong. I am just not cut out for loving abstractions and likelihoods. Up till the 20-week anatomy scan turned up normal, there was every chance some medical deal-breaker could happen (any of the things the retard test scans for, severe deformation, etc. I was not going to deal with any of that.) Even after we got normal results, I have not felt a whole lot of certainty. I don’t feel uncertainty, either – I know that the likelier outcome is a baby – but there wasn’t some magical switch that flipped in my head like suddenly I’m having a baby and I get all excited about this specific baby. Eh. No. I’d be very sad if I lost it, but not devastated. It remains an abstraction.

Since I crossed the 24-week viability barrier, I have gone back to percentages. (The gone-back-to is from when I told my friends I was pregnant: I said I was 93% pregnant, bc that still allowed for the 7% of pregnancies that end in miscarriage between 6 weeks and 12 weeks.)  Starting with 24 weeks: I have 39% of a kid. I have 50% of a kid. I have 70% of a kid. Right now I have 90% of a kid…almost the same probability as a term pregnancy yields. So my baby has gone from a likelihood to a probability, and that is comforting. Perhaps I can finally let go of some of my emotional guards?

3. Feeling your baby move will be some special life-altering moment. No. For about a month I wasn’t even sure if what I was feeling was the baby, because the way it felt to me didn’t match the way it was always described (either, like a butterfly or like a gas bubble that never descends to become a fart). To me, the first movements felt like a muscle twitch – one of those involuntary spasms that you sometimes get in your thigh, or your cheek, or your eyelid. Maybe I’m a freak and no one else gets those or notices them. Most of the time the baby still feels like that when it moves, although the last week or two it’s gotten some good wallops in. Oh, and for a month or so some of the movements have felt like a tail whipping through liquid (okay, those are a bit weird). But even after I realized what I was feeling was definitely the babe, none of the movements have been either supremely beautiful sources of wonderment or extremely horrific alien sensations of some Thing that is not me being inside me. Just prosaic twitches that feel right at home with things I have felt many times before, or pops and twangs that are gone almost before I register them.

About the only part of the movement myth I agree with is that it is comforting to feel the baby moving and know with certainty vs. a lack of evidence otherwise that I have not accidentally killed it since my last appointment.

Things People Don’t Tell You About Trimester 2

4. The financial burdens of childbearing begin when you start having the regular 4-week appointments.

Maybe for some people this is not true. But I work a day job where I punch in and out on a time clock and get paid to the minute for the time I am on the job. My prenatal appointments are excused absences, but they are time I am not punched in on the clock. My OB, whom I selected because she is natural-birth focused and by all accounts the best advocate in the city for a natural birth no matter what the circumstance (breech, twin, VBAC, etc.), is worth the wait. But sometimes that wait is 3 hours in her office…plus, of course, commute time to and from my place of work. That’s a full half-day I sometimes miss for a routine check-in. WTF. It’s way too much time to make up on other days in my current state of tiredness (in fact some weeks I can’t even manage 40 hours without an appointment, yet another financial blow), and it frankly sucks. Nobody warned me about that.

5. Sitting at your desk at work becomes torturous. I always thought the middle trimester was supposed to be minimal in terms of physical symptoms – you’re over the morning sickness and not yet weighed down with 20+ extra pounds on your belly and back. Wrong! If you sit at a desk all day, no matter how much you have to get up and walk, your back will hurt. You will get stiff and arthritic. Oh, and you’re farting for two, which you can’t just let go of in an office, so your intestines will swell up and get tight and crampy since, inevitably, by the time you get to the bathroom the bubble has worked itself back up into your intestinal tract and won’t descend now that you’re in private.

6. Your co-workers will start to get oddly invasive of your personal space and philosophy. The first thing I think is weird is that co-workers want to know how you plan to deliver – if you’re going to induce, if you’re going to have an epidural, if you’re going to have your husband in the room with you. In the first place, why is it any of your business?, and in the second place, why are you asking if you’re only going to (1) smirk when I tell you I am planning on a medication- and intervention-free birth and say, “Yeah, you say that now” and (2) tell me your (or your wife’s) horror story about how awful and hard childbirth was. I guess it’s the culture of trying to prepare someone, but I personally find the whole “let me tell you our war story” pretty distasteful. It propagates fear of a natural process and sows seeds of doubt about whether you can make it through the experience without giving up and asking for help managing pain. I am not suggesting that I think childbirth will not hurt or that it will be easy, but I am not afraid of it, and I know that my mother did it twice, and I’ve always felt like if she can do it, I can do it (in terms of dealing with pain/trauma/endurance/etc.). But those are intensely personal feelings, and they are hard to articulate in a way that can convey my conviction to someone who/whose partner chose a different path. Inevitably that smugness creeps in, that “I’ve been somewhere you haven’t, and I know better than you what you’re up against.” No. You know what YOU were up against; you have no idea what I will be up against.

Beyond the philosophy, it’s kind of awkward and, again, intrusive, to hear stories about my male colleagues’ wives’ busted up vaginas and know that on some level my male colleagues are thinking about where mine will be in a few months.

Once you start showing, people around you also feel so free to make all kinds of comments/physical gestures they would never dream of doing if you were not pregnant. Everything from comments on how big you’re getting to how fast your belly is growing to actually reaching out to touch you when you do not have that kind of friendship. The weight comments just make you feel self-conscious, even though you swore to yourself you wouldn’t be bothered by the fact that you’re getting bigger – you’re pregnant, after all – maybe because they make you feel like some sort of freak. “Oh my God you’re that big already!? And you have 4 months to go?!” Well…guess what. If you’re not some skinny little petite thing who stays skinny with a round belly, or someone so fat you really can’t see an extra 20-30 pounds of belly, you’re going to get big. I don’t know if y’all (my readers) have seen Away We Go or not, but I am carrying like Maya Rudolph in that movie: my 6 months is someone else’s 8 1/2 months. And I’m watching both my overall weight and my backfat…it’s not me putting on weight. It’s baby and accouterments. Just how I carry, how the women in my family carry. But the comments about it make me feel…uncomfortable. They make me worry about how big I will get before the end.

But the comments don’t bother me nearly as much as the urge to touch my belly does. I am not a touch-feely person in general. I have a handful of people in my life with whom I am truly physically comfortable, but I do not extend touch casually, even to people I consider friends. Best friends only. And I find it offensive that I have to draw, sometimes rudely, boundaries around myself now that I would never have to draw if I were not (obviously) pregnant. Why is it that our culture seems to think it’s okay to touch and fondle the body of a pregnant woman whom we would not touch like that were she not pregnant? Unless you are one of the 5 people on this earth who could just come up to me and rub my belly under normal circumstances, you had better not fucking touch it now that it’s sticking out in front of me like a train engine. My belly is not community property. My body is not suddenly owned by society; it is mine, and just because I don’t have “no trespassing” signs posted doesn’t mean I am inviting everyone in the world to share my property.

I haven’t had an actual stranger accost me yet, but I’ve had to point out to at least one co-worker that I “don’t know you like that.” It wasn’t a big deal, but the fact that I had to say it at all is just weird and wrong.

A Few Other Observations

If you are a married INTJ, chances are you have a husband who is equally rational (anecdotally, most of the female INTJ’s I know or know of who are married are with other INTJ’s or INTP’s). This is both a blessing and a curse. On the blessing side, he has no expectations about things you should be feeling or wanting, so he won’t think you weird or insufficiently excited about your pregnancy for expressing any of the above opinions. On the curse side, if you have actual over-emotional episodes he may not deal with them particularly well…first, because it’s not who you normally are so he doesn’t know how to deal with you in that state, and second because he is skeptical of pregnancy actually causing that kind of symptom vs. women using it as an excuse. Oh, yes, we had that argument, where mine was basically like “I think you’re making up symptoms the media tells you you’re supposed to have.” Let me tell ya, it’s bad enough going through some of the weird things that stereotypically happen – even ones you thought you’d be safe from – without having someone suggest you’re trying to milk an excuse.

Overall at this point in my pregnancy I feel shockingly zen about everything. Maybe I am in denial about how much my life will change, or maybe I just have a better perspective because I still have not been struck by the baby-bug. We really haven’t done much to get the house ready…to acquire things for the baby…to change our space or routines. I dunno. I just feel like there are very few things you actually need with a new baby and an awful lot of things people want to try and sell you. The needs can be acquired in the last month, and the needs you can’t anticipate can be acquired at the point they become needs. About all we’re doing is saving money and talking about things we should research (like childcare providers). I am going to take a childbirth class, but I’m doing the two weekend afternoons version, not the 8- or 12-week prep class. I am just not that worried about it. Maybe my own ignorance and lack of preparation will slap me in the face later on…but that’s for Future Lily to deal with. Present Lily just wants to get through the goddamned week.

Three more months.



Filed under Ramblings, Rants and Storms

10 responses to “The INTJ Pregnancy: Trimester 2

  1. I’m not pregnant, nor have I ever been, but all of your responses to these topics sounded exactly like how I’d respond. Especially 6. I’m not really up for people touching me unless I initiate at this point in my life, so that is something that does freak me out. I reckon I’ll be the crazy pregnant lady (if/when that happens for me), slapping old ladies in a hormonal, introverted craze then realising perhaps I over-reacted a wee bit.

    Good luck with the last 3 months.

    • LOL at the image of slapping little old ladies. Especially the “hormonal, introverted daze.” Yes. I was actually a little worried early on how I would react if/when anyone tried to touch me, because for all that I am unintentionally rude all the time I was, in fact, raised with Southern manners and am in some ways too polite. I was worried I either wouldn’t be able to draw a boundary or would do so really rudely. Granted, no actual strangers have bothered me yet, but with coworkers a simple “dude, i don’t know you like that” has been enough to get them to stop and think. I have decided I ought to take any opportunity that someone accosts my belly as a teachable moment to get them to consider the other point of view, that is, “would i want some stranger creeping on me, no matter how nicely intentioned?” I have all sorts of plans from the creepy “oh, can I touch YOUR belly now?” to the bitchy to the smiling polite “please don’t. boundaries. respect.” The comments are actually harder to deal with, because you sound like some kind of vain asshole to be like “please don’t talk about my size” so there is really no way to stop them. Or the war stories. People are going to share those whether you ask for details or not. I should start memorizing Maggie Gyllenhaal’s speech from Away We Go; I am 100% sure none of them would recognize it, and if I talk about having the most wonderful orgasm of my life while I was crowning they will probably never bring anything remotely like childbirth up with me agian. lol

      Anyway, glad you are enjoying my commentary on the matter. 🙂

  2. My heartfelt condolences – you might cover your ears and go la la la every time someone starts with a story (what is it about idiots that they want to tell you horror stories), and tell them, “I can’t imagine why you would tell such a horrible story to a pregnant woman.”

    I remember a lot of that – it’s intrusive – I had three children while a working physicist with mostly male colleagues and females in support staff – and that is a whole other gig – which I won’t tell you about.

    Zen is a good solution. Think of it all as the chattering winds, and ignore them. For the other ‘inconveniences’ – which are many and insulting and a pain (lit.) to deal with – again, my sympathies.

    OTOH, write all this down and you will never have to imagine anything when writing a future pregnant character (that DOES follow HEA stories) and the reactions of society.

    Do prepare yourself – one you have the little person, the comments start in earnest. Develop a hard shell for protection.

    • I can only imagine the work situation you describe. Although somehow I would imagine that male colleagues 20-30 years ago would not bring up things like the ones mine have. Maybe what they discussed was worse.

      What’s funny to me is that when I get someone who doesn’t make the “you’ll change your mind” or “that’s what my wife thought” comment when I say I plan to have a natural birth, I get this unexpected feeling of relief. I’ve already gotten so used to hearing people be skeptical about my plans, and i find that sad. Seriously. Just nod and say “good for you” and keep your damn negativity and skepticism to yourself. They’re insulting and, in aggregate, i think they lead a lot of women who go into birth wanting to do it without meds into accepting them out of fear. That’s a common story on the natural birth forum I belong to, anyway. And there’s nothing I can say to the smug “i’ve been there and you haven’t” attitude-types that will convince them i am not going to have the same issue they or their wife did, until I have been through it.

      Anyway, you are absolutely right that i should write down more details, just for my own reference, of how i am feeling physically and psychologically. I know my mom couldn’t remember much about her early symptoms by the time i was asking. maybe in a general way she did but not specific “did you feel this?” ways.

      As to the chattering winds…lucky for me I am both hard-headed and convinced of my ability to decide what is best for me and my family, so i’m not too worried about what people say now or in the future. the only thing i worry about is being so rude that it gets me into trouble. which is unlikely, since i think in reality i am too polite about things that make me uncomfortable (just ignoring them rather than confronting them unless they are intolerable). maybe being a mama bear will make me a little more aggressive…

  3. I, dear readers, am one of those people who would want to touch Lily’s belly. She’s hundreds of miles away, so it’s not very likely I will (or would without asking). That belly-bump, to me, is a miracle, and every time I see it, or imagine it, my heart soars with joy for my friend. I get weepy, I smile like my cheeks will explode, because I know that I will know this baby during my life–and eventually get to nosh on the baby’s fat ankles and wrists and cheeks, oh my! That is why I would ask for a few seconds belly time–ASK–because that touch is a memory worth holding onto, a precious thing when shared.

    Strangers or peripheral acquaintances? Auntie Astrea will break your fingers if Mama doesn’t first.

    You’re gonna be a great mom, Lily. 🙂

    • LOL thanks, Astrea.

      As to my belly, although you probably wouldn’t have to ask to touch it (in the sense that i wouldn’t be weirded out or offended if you just touched it) I’d appreciate the politeness of you doing so if you felt it necessary. Other than the one moment at work, no one has tried to get a broken finger so far. That said…I also finally broke down and bought some maternity wear yesterday, and whoa damn does it make this belly soooooooooooo much more obvious. That might make it more of a target.

  4. Ashe Skyler

    Yes! EXACTLY! Keep your filthy, perverted, disrespectful hands off of me! I may be eight months, but I can and will still kick like a mule if I feel a need to defend myself from some skank that is too selfish to understand that “no” means “NO”. (Haven’t so much as batted away any hands, but I have stepped back quickly and given them that magnificent INTJ Death Glare because nobody has even had the decency to so much as ask permission first.) I don’t know why people think that since you found one person you can tolerate touching you that it means you are now public property, but I have hated that with both of my children. Even more so than the negative ninnies with all their threats of reconstructive surgery and other things as if it is guaranteed you both are going to die.

    To all first-time mommas, just ignore that “you’ll be so much more tired with a newborn” crap. It just depends on the baby and your options/health. Not only was my son a “good” baby that didn’t cry much, he also slept in the same bed I did and was breastfed. I was quite well rested, moreso than when “the bun was baking”. Still trying to figure out good tricks to recommend to mommas that aren’t able to nurse, like keeping some kind of insulated warm water system nearby on a table so it’s just a quick dash of formula into a ready-to-go bottle and everybody has minimal disturbance.

    • Re pregnancy inviting being touched – it really is a bizarre thing in our culture. But the death glare is a useful deterrent lol.

      As far as the predictive comments – they are frustrating. I don’t mind people offering their own experience as a reference point, but bridle at the insistence that I will experience whatever they did.

      For the record – the tiredness I experienced during his first year externally (bc he didn’t sleep more than 4 hours at a stretch the entire time we nursed) was still not as bad as the pregnancy tired, bc it was PURELY lack of sleep not the fatal cocktail of lack of sleep, body working overtime to build something, and hormones being off the charts.

      • Ashe Skyler

        Aye, that was my thing too. I love to research and collect stories, but I get pretty turned off when I’m told I’ll do or be something without any good evidence as to why they feel that way. I still haven’t figured out why nearly everybody was convinced I wouldn’t last a month nursing. Every time I asked, it was “you just won’t.”

        Definitely a big factor in exhaustion levels is the body not having to work as hard. Four hours is pretty good! Still quite draining, but good. One of my kin was up every 1.5 hours. Drove her mother nuts.

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